March 25, 2013 by serverscorned
I’ve seen a lot of opinion pieces lately from customers and restaurant owners sharing their ideas on how to be a good server. All of them have been ridiculous to the point of making my eyes bleed from reading them. I’m pretty sure some of them have even made me less intelligent. The time I’ve spent perusing these ignorant musings is most assuredly time I’m gonna want back at the end of my life. In the spirit of these “lists” on how we servers can improve at our craft, I’ve decided to create my own.
10 Ways to Be A Better Customer:
(or little things you can do to make us hate you less)
1. Be courteous. When your server greets you with a smile and asks how you’re doing you should follow their lead by smiling back and replying in kind. Do not respond with your drink order. Oh, you’re doing Stella Artois today? That’s interesting. There’s a social contract. I’m holding up my end so you should do the same.
2. If you need a minute to decide on your beverage simply say that. Do not ask for a water to buy time. You’re not fooling anyone. I know exactly what you’re doing and I hate you for it. Trust me, I can find something to do without you sending me off on some ridiculous task. Basically, don’t order water unless you’re going to fucking drink it. And while we are on that subject…
3. Do not order water for the table. Who died and put you in charge of your party? I curse you while I make 12 waters that no one drinks. Not even you, oh holy water-for-the-table-orderer.
4. Don’t tell me you are ready to order when you aren’t. I don’t have time to stand there while you discuss the menu with your companions. I have other tables and there’s food in the window to run, or beers in the well, or a cigarette I could be smoking. Seriously, just ask for a few minutes to get your shit together. I promise I’ll be back.
5. Do not treat me like an idiot. Assume I know what I’m doing until I give you a reason not to. For example, if you say you want something as an appetizer I don’t need you to confirm with me that it will come before the meal. That’s what an appetizer is you silly fuck. Nor do I need you to remind me that you’ll require silverware, plates, etc for your meal. It’s not my first rodeo jackass.
6. Acknowledge my presence when I come to your table. Look, I get that your date is hella interesting, but I’m not standing here for my health. Don’t make me interrupt you because you couldn’t pause your conversation for a second while I do my fucking job. This goes for you business douches too. I don’t know why the fuck you decided to have a meeting in a restaurant but don’t get mad at me when I try to serve you. You are in a restaurant. It comes along with the territory dumb ass.
7. When your food is being brought to you please pay attention. Some places operate on seat numbers but some don’t. If you are in a place that uses the food auction system then listen up. And for fucks sake remember what the fuck you ordered. And another thing…
8. If you want to say a blessing before you eat please wait until everyone has received their food. Don’t hold the person running your food hostage with hot plates in their hands while you praise god for this wonderful meal that everyone hasn’t even received yet.
9. When your server checks in to see how you’re enjoying your meal, this is the time to let them know if anything is unsatisfactory or if you need some sort of condiment. Do not wait until after the meal to express your dislike and don’t jump up to retrieve your own condiments, extra napkins, etc. I’m here to get you what you need. Let me.
10. When you are done with your dining experience and have received your check just pay it in a timely fashion. And then get up. Your table is not a park bench. It’s my livelihood. Move your ass so I can get some new butts in the chairs and make my living.
These are just the tip of the iceberg. There’s more. Soooooo much more. But let’s start with this.