May 7, 2013 by serverscorned
My first list on how to not be a douchbag customer was kind of a common sense list. Alas, common sense is an oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp or free will baptist. The funny thing about common sense is its just really not that common. So I laid it out in 10 easy to understand steps. You’re welcome. Now that we’ve covered the basics, I think it’s time to tackle some of the more advanced issues of poor behavior in a restaurant.
1. Control Your Offspring. (This seems like it should fall under the common sense category, and yet despite that fact it has to be said. I don’t know what happened to parenting skills over the last few decades but suffice it to say there is a serious lack of responsible parenting going on in restaurants. More often than not I’m dodging small children, or as I like to call them: speed bumps. A restaurant is not a playground. Keep your children seated at all times for their safety and for our sanity.)
2. Sit With Your Spawn. (Sadly, this needs it’s own number. You would think it could be lumped into the “control your offspring” but no. You see, how can you control them if you aren’t even sitting with them? This seems like a no brainer but increasingly I’m forced to play server and babysitter to your demon spawn because you have chosen to go out with your other breeder friends and would like to have “adult time” without having to deal with your pesky little germ balls interrupting. So you put all your little urchins at a separate table so you can enjoy yourselves, thus causing the poor server forced to attend to your mini douchbags to play babysitter as well. Not cool. Babysitters make way more than $2.13 an hour. They’re your fucking kids so you deal with them. While you sit sipping your white wine spritzer laughing it up with your friends, little Johnny Fuckwad and Tommy Twatface Jr are putting Parmesan cheese in each others drinks and demanding the server make them new ones. They’re turning their straw wrappers into spit balls. Little Susie Shit-for-brains is coloring on the table, and little Tracy Asslicker has dumped all the salt shakers out on the floor. They are acting like a bunch of wild animals and disturbing other diners. Stop being a selfish prick and either hire a real babysitter and leave the little fuckers at home, or sit with the little peckerheads and be a fucking parent.)
3. Respect The Rules Of The Roost. (This one really kills me. You are not special. No I will not bend the rules for you. If I do I’m gonna have a whole shit storm on my hands. If the restaurant does not except reservations no amount of begging and pleading is gonna do you any good. If I tell you that the kitchen will only do 1/2 and 1/2 for toppings on a pizza stomping your feet and cussing at me isn’t going to make me give YOU 1/4 toppings. No means no. And name dropping isn’t going to help you either. Speaking of name dropping….)
4. Do Not Name Drop. Ever. (“I know the owner” or “I’m friends with the owner” isn’t going to get you anywhere. Guess what? I know him too. I’ve been hired by him to do a job and part of that job is enforcing the rules. Just because you sit next to him in church, or your kids go to the same school doesn’t get you a different set of rules. In fact, if you truly are “friends” with him then you should be extra respectful of your buddy’s business. Throwing a tantrum and asking if he’s there right now is not the way to behave in your friends restaurant. Oh, and walking out on your tab because he’s not there, not that it would change the rules if he was, is about the shittiest way to prove your loyalty to your friend. You are just a self entitled jackass and fuck you!)
5. Be Our Guest. (You are a guest in our “home” so act like one. This isn’t your house. You don’t live here. Don’t move the furniture. Don’t open or close the blinds. Don’t walk into the kitchen to ask for a side of sauce. Don’t put your grubby fucking customer hands in the lemons. Don’t go into the wait station to get your own refill. Don’t put your jacket/purse/laptop/briefcase/baby on another table whether it’s occupied at the time or not. Don’t park your SUV all terrain stroller in the middle of the aisle. Dont ask me to turn off the fans, or turn up the heat, etc. You are not the only sack of shit, I mean “guest”, in the restaurant.)
I think I’m gonna stop here for now. As I said, these are some more advanced notions so I don’t want to overwhelm anyone. Take your time. Soak it all up, and when you’ve mastered these we can delve into more.